Under There

Hey, there’s something underwhere! Err wait, I mean, under there do you see that shining thing? Yeah, it’s under that table. Yeah, under it? Don’t you want to ask me a question? Yes, you need to say “Under where?” Don’t you get it? Ugh, you suck.

A Sage or Oracle or Something

There were these two people once and the lady was like she had no hair and the other guy bought her a comb and she realized she didn’t need it and he wasted his money. This all happened on Christmas, I think.

Barring Death

A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch.” The man collapses. The officials jump from their benches and rush over to the fallen man. In minutes, he is on a stretcher and rushed to the hospital. This was supposed to be the best day of his life – televised live, millions watching. Instead, it is perhaps the last day of his life. Indeed, it is. He passes away in the night, after six straight hours of fever.

Nutty Nonsense

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice say “Hey mister, nice pants!” The man looks around the bar but can’t see anything that would have spoken to him – the bar is empty besides himself and the bartender. He takes another sip of his drink and hears the voice again say “Hey mister, great shoes!” He looks around, more quickly this time, to catch whoever is talking in that weird creepy high-pitched voice. “Hey mister, cool shirt!” says the voice again. Frustrated, the man puts his drink down and signals to the bartender. “Hey bartender, what is that high-pitched voice that I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re incredibly annoying but taste really good.”

Memory Woes

An amnesiac walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The amnesiac says, “I don’t know. I have trouble remembering things.” The bartender sighs. “All that matters is that you can remember to pay.”

An Uncommon Sight

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar, wearing an apron and cleaning glasses. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse stops cleaning and returns his stare. The horse breaks the silence by asking “Buddy, what’s your problem? You don’t think a horse can bartend?” “Not really,” the guy says, “It kind of strains credibility, don’t you think?” The horse nods. “The ferret who sold me the bar told me to expect this kind of reception, but it’s still tough to get used to being treated like some kind of circus act.” The guy breaks eye contact with the horse and says “Sorry, bartender. I’ll have my drink, if you’ll let me.” “Sure,” the horse says. “We’re all friends here.”

Supermarket Referral

A duck walks into a bar. He says to the bartender “Do you have any grapes?” The bartender says “Sorry, I don’t sell grapes, but the supermarket next door definitely would.” The duck thanks him for the help and leaves.

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