Shorthand

In a bar in a remote Hawaiian village, a newcomer hears people yelling out random numbers (“33! 52!”) and then everyone laughing. He asks a man sitting nearby what’s going on and the man says that the same jokes have been told so many times that people just yell out their numbers instead of telling them over and over. The newcomer yells out “42!” and everybody laughs. A big guy sitting nearby nudges him and says “Good Hitchhiker reference.”

Wood Inquiry

A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?” A sleeping patron in a booth sits up and says “He’s off on an errand right now but he’ll be back in a few minutes.” The termite turns to him and says “Thanks.”

Mating Habits

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?” The other guys says “No.”

Hanging At the Square

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender handed him the drink, the cowboy asked “Where is everybody?” The bartender replied “They’ve all gone to the hanging.” “Hanging? Who are they hanging?” asked the cowboy. “Paper Bag Billy,” the bartender replied. “What kind of name is that?” asked the cowboy. “Well,” said the bartender. “He wears a paper bag hat, paper bag shirt, paper bag pants and paper bag shoes.” “It takes all kinds, I suppose,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for, rustling?” The cowboy laughed. “Nope, murder,” replied the bartender. He continued: “He killed a woman and her children while they slept and burned down their barn, with the horses still inside. He’s a mad dog killer with no remorse.” “Oh,” said the cowboy, stone-faced.

Closing Time

A skunk walks into a bar and says “Hey, where did everyone go?” The bartender comes out from the back room. “Ah, sorry, Mr. Skunk, we’re closed.”

Between a Pig and a Duck

A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Where did you get the pig?” The woman says, “That’s not a pig, that’s a duck.” The bartender says, “Oh whoops, I thought I heard a pig coming in. Sorry about that. Apparently my ears are getting to be as bad as my eyes. You see, I’m legally blind. Anywho, what can I do you for?”

Horsing Around

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?” The owner comes out from the back room. “Jerry, shut the fuck up. I’ve told you time and time again not to harass the horses that come in here. Take the day off.” The bartender leaves. The owner steps behind the bar and looks towards the horse. “I offer my sincerest apologies, Mr. Horse, what can I get you?”

The Flavor of Madness

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?” The bartender shakes his head and says, “We don’t sell chips here, but you might have better luck in the supermarket next door.”

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